The Austrian-Italian Job

A Seven Buddies Production

• Directed by - Chris "Duomo"Chan and the Shieh "Terrors"
• Key Visuals by - William "Dubya" Woon and Jimmy "Jum.com" Shieh
• Original Script and Screenplay - Albert "Oh Yeah" Lee
• Lead Actress - Hsin Hsin "Original Sin" Hsieh
• Supporting Actress - Nila "You Made Me Ink" Shieh
• Supporting Actress - Stelia Gunawan
• Content Syndication - Jimmy "Jum.com" Shieh

Mission Control Objective : 1 million footprints, 38,500km, 10,000 photos, 3,000 paintings, 100 statues, 15 leather jackets, 8 pizzas, 5 goulash, 5 cities, 2 countries, 1 Pope …. and 7 buddies.

The bonding of mates feeding through a large pot of hot Sze Chuan Steamboat always bring about extravagant ideas. What seemed so far away then was now a part of our history. Incredible “high level plans” fed through our minds each month as we engulfed ourselves in chips, biscuits and endless drinks lurking above the magnificent “Grand Canal” of Sydney Harbour.

Fast forward your time machine to October 1, 2003. We were now in queue for the trip of our lifetime. Never before had anyone of us traveled with so many friends. Just the thought of having 4 Indonesian born travelers out of 7 and 3 Shieh “Terrors” was enough to put doubts into most of our mind. While we were already frustrated during check-in, we nevertheless strove on in pursuit of our mission. Things did not look brighter though. Even before we entered customs, we almost had to endure our own sequel to “Finding Nemo” – Finding Nila !! Luckily for her, we had not left Sydney and Nila timely came back to her “parents” without the need for us to take a “DETOUR” on our mission.

33 hours later and after rewatching movies over and over again, we stepped foot in the land of Schnitzels and Music. We may only have had small steps but it was a giant leap for our buddy-kind. However, our Shieh “family” could smell Shieh “horror” around the corner at the local supermarket. There, sitting on a high stool behind the counter was the epitome of Austrian hospitality. We all found her highly desirable … cough… cough. What else could go wrong? Not much we thought until …. Arrggghhh …. Our schedules brought us to some stinky and less than admirable locations only known to us as “secondary” sites. We found the first day unexciting and tiring, but worse was to come. After a short stint at “Finding Nila” we now had to endure Episode 3 – Finding Stelia !!! It was almost getting too much. Only our strong bond kept us going, shaken but not stirred. Finally, 72 hours after we left harbour shores, we sat exhausted but relieved that our group of seven had finally become one. At the “local diner”, we strengthened our thoughts and looked forward to our days together.

For the next 15 days we took charge of our plans and forged ahead with the endless photography sessions that seem to always dominate Asian travelers. With 3 incredibly talented digital camera users, each of them were determined to differentiate each other with their abilities.

|

“Duomo”

As time went on, it was clear that “Duomo” Chan likes to go on a scenery rampage taking 6,000 shots from fading green grass to two-century-old green domes. He seemed to be able to capture amazing angles and ray of colours from his state-of-the-art Sony digital that he somehow kept persisting in trying to sell to one of us at a premium to what he paid for. Good try Mr Chan.

After the effect of the cracked skull in the Firenze Dome (thus his nick), Mr Chan attempted to utilise what was left of his navigation skills through the picturesque but often muddled roads around Tuscany. Not being tourist friendly, we soon found out that signs and maps were obviously made by two very different species of Italians and never shall the twain meet. Bizarre signs that seem to lead us to the right directions were in fact, making us go round in circles, literally. After almost hitting the panic button and Mr Chan’s cool attitude tested, we came out unscathed and followed the rolling hills, vineyards and olive trees that lined much of the beautiful Tuscanian landscape.

Entering the many old towns that dwell and ultimately landscaped much of the current Tuscany, you are immediately taken back in time. One must have felt the presence of medieval landlords, peasants and noblemen when stepping foot in these incredible places. With Mr Chan and Mr Woon’s good research, we spotted two pretty old towns worth visiting if you managed to find your way there, Sienna and San Jimmy (not it’s real name, but as part of winning the original screenplay award, we’d like to name a town after him … and also because we can’t seem to properly pronounce this damn town). It was a world away from the hustle and pollution of Florence. We recommend that if you want to get a cracking good whip of leather, stay in the city, or else, a good bet could be on the outskirts of town.

|

"Dubya"

“Dubya” Woon sought to prove himself by taking sceneries of a different kind …. The gorgeous female kind. With his sleek craftsmanship in utilising flip technology to get hidden camera angles, he proved quite successful in picking the cream of the crop. From blondes to brunettes, his eye for detail was magical. He decided early on that he was going to take over Albert’s role in this trip after Mr Lee resigned from the post he created a few years ago. Need we say more.

With his quiet charm and noblemen physique and grandeur, he almost created a self franchise with his FCUK T-shirt that could have easily misled the blondest of Italian ladies. His conservative behaviour is but a mask to hide what is a pretty adventure-spirited guy wanting to impress the world he lives in. Thus we discovered William’s talents in making us breakfast, shopping and joining the girls on their “rendezvous” when all us other guys have choked in our own fatigue. Mr Woon gave us Florence and started a fashion trend, resulting in the purchase of 15 leather jackets. For a city that prides itself with bare-buttock muscle-men statues, it was kind of ironic to see that the Florencians thrive in covering their citizens and tourists with animal skin.

William had another side to his manliness. He knew Italian history probably more than any of us. This edge allowed us to wonder deep into ancient Rome, inside the Colleseum, ancient ruins and palaces that once stood mightily over the city. His fancy clothing style also made him the pick to be our gladiator in protecting us from the hundreds of fakes that fooled many tourists with their E100 price tag photo shoots.

|

“Jum.Com….. dot au”

Last of the three cameramen, and not to be outdone, Jim “Jum.com” Shieh , determined to outlast, outwit and outplay the two masters. He decided to firstly outplay “Dubya” Woon in finding sexy ladies, only to discover that his inexperience with the opposite sex took the better of him by constantly cutting off their head and leaving nothing but their perfectly designed bodies in view (D’OH!!). Finally, after realising that it was a lost cause to outwit both masters, Jim found his niche in taking 360 degree movies and action shots of Duomo Chan making an absolute larikin of himself. For this, we unanimously gave him the original screenplay award.

Jim was accidentally given the chore of linking the city that connected the 2 countries together, Venice. Known for his early preparation, he sought to figure the maze surrounding this sinking city in the 5 hours we had on the train. Due to his natural buddy charm and sense of purpose, we fell under his spell and ultimately paid the price by getting absolutely lost in the maze of walls on our way to the hotel, snuggled deep inside restaurants, glass shops and other fancy hotels. Using his natural instinct and internal Jum.com search engine, we navigated nervously around Venice on both days. St Marks Square enchanted and amazed us for several hours until the bill slapped us straight in the face. With 7 cost-conscious world travelers, this was one battle we were determined to win, so much so that even the size and shape of Gelatos had to match their worthiness in Euros. As for Venice, we came, we clicked and we conquered.

The rest of the group was not to be outdone by these “mad-clicking masters.”

|

“Ohhh Yeeaahhh !!”

Albert “Oh Yeah!!” Lee tried to stay positive even after being ditched by the three cameramen. He found refuge and comfort in leather goods, shopping and hanging out with the girls in the group…. and not to mention, a 1-litre jug of beer each time he sets foot in any restaurant. The beer garden was always going to be his highlight. Being out-casted by his fellow male compatriots for not being in touch with megapixels, forced him to take refuge in alcohol. This does have an upside however for Mr Lee gave some “orgasmic relief” to both the boys and girls with his incredibly deep and vibrating rendition of yellow …. OOOOHHHH YEEAAAHHH !!!! Known for his quiet and calm nature, Albert can surprise even the most outlandish guys after a good scoop of hard tonic prior to eating.

One of his most noticeable aspect in the trip was his need to find the men’s room almost each hour of the morning. What most of the group thought was a bladder weakness was in fact 2 liters of water sitting in soft tissue between the wee hours of dawn. He loved his water and would not be seen without one. Oh Yeah Lee was also the king of the food table almost every day and night. His double portions of just about everything under the sun surprised many and even himself. There was just something in the air that made him behave with sumo-like appetite. Maybe his deep thoughts about his other half back home churned his tummy and increased his metabolism. Maybe it could also be the smell of a fresh brew of Austrian and Italian beer and wine. Whatever it was, his tummy would always be craving for fresh “blood” and he would not waste a chance to bite his teeth into funghi pizzas, spare ribs and gelatos. If you needed someone to finish your plate, he was always the man to do it. Without his infamous “Oh Yeah” vibrato, Mr Lee would have been called the walking “rubbish bin.”

|

“Inky”

Nila gave the Austrian and Italian public her “attitude stare.” Her “kick-ass” mentality gave all of us a sense of safety that she could defend all of us in case of a gypsy invasion. During the trip however, we saw Nila’s soft side as she was continuously “made to ink” from the countless funny moments we experienced. Nila’s inking highlight came in the form of her brother “Jum.com” While going for that perfect angle at St Mark’s Basilica, Nila’s head was “slashed” to accommodate for the flagpole that rose high above basilica’s splendour. To Jum, that was obviously a more important piece of item, however, we’re not sure that was a wise move. Luckily for Jum, Nila’s attitude towards that mishap was “Keep swimming, keep swimming.”

Prior to this, she brought us her Austrian delights. We entered Austria with strong anticipation of the peace and mountain marvel that largely filled our imagination of this scenic country. Vienna gave us a whole new dimension. The little devil details aside, this city boast some impressive renaissance splendours and architectures. Schonbrunn Palace, at the outskirt of Vienna gave us a glimpse of the extravagance of past monarchs and noblemen. While not to the grandness of Versaille, it was still impressive with gardens to match the best in the world.

Topping our Austrian delights however, was the glorious sound of musical fantasies in the hills of Salzburg. Here, we find Mozart’s original piece and left amazed and rather mystified at his incredible talents. While riding and walking around this scenic wonderland at the base of the Austrian Alps, our minds were filled with the words of Julie Andrews sweetly singing “The Hillsss are aliveeeee ….” And “Doe a dear a female dear …..” We were continuously enchanted by almost every corner of this small but gorgeous town. Best of all, was our little journey to paradise to visit the two “Saints.” – St Gilgen and St Wolfgang. While the weather was not perfect, we entered into honeymoon central and had to try very hard not to get too cozy with each other. For those future Salzburg go-ers, you’d be crazy to by-pass a trip to these places.

|

“Original Sin”

Hsin-Hsin “The Original Sin” Shieh was desperate for a maneuver that would ultimately put her into the Mickey Mouse club alongside the league of extraordinary females - Britney Spears and Leanne Rimes. While she might have maneuvered to the wrong crowd, we nevertheless enjoyed her randomly swinging buttocks and awed by her ability to attract the cutest Italian men with her dimples and Marilyn Monroe “blow-kisses.” God may have created Adam and Eve, but we gave God, the Original Hsin.

There is a famous saying “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” With our living quarters so close to the Vatican, we could not pass up the opportunity to see a glimpse of our “man” Giavanni Paulus, aka Pope John Paul II. His short, hunchbacked and frail stature dominated scenes around the world as he celebrated his 25th year at the helm of the Catholic Church. Seeing the Vatican would have to be one of the several highlights of Rome. We knew where we had to strive for as our first destination once inside. Speeding ourselves through the incredible maze of wall colour, we finally stepped into the grand finale of it all, the Sistine Chapel. This sacred room houses one of the most incredible and famous paintings by Michaelangelo. While it gave all of us a sore neck, we were sunk by the unimaginable beauty of the painted story of Genesis, Noah’s Ark and the Apostles. While in awe at the magnificent scene all around us, it gave us new meaning to the “Original Sin.”

If Hsin-Hsin did not look dominant, she showed her dominance in the kitchen. With limited supplies, she transformed a lifeless kitchen and dining room into a wonderland. For her, it had to be systematic, hydromatic and cooking speed to be grease lightning. Given a full tummy, Hsin produced her luscious and illustriously feminine singing voice. While doing this, she was always looking for a back-up vocal to add to her “sexy spice” performance. After a few glasses of red wine and home-made spaghetti, she found her back-up in the form of a “Li-li.”

|

“Li-Li”
Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble, who can disappear but still get her cuddles? Stelia loved her Italian men, music, culture and art. Just the thought of half shaven Miami Vice style, rough looking, dark, tall and handsome Italian men would send shivers down her spine and Li could taste the freshness of their sweat in her mouth. It could even be those thoughts that always had her feeling “orgasmic” from Mr Lee’s “Oh Yeah vibrations.” God only knows what she was referring to, or who for that matter. But to her credit, Li talked her way out of many things and spontaneity got us out of several potential problems when the rest of us were invaded by some alien tongue that sounded oh so Italian.

In every trip, there always has to be someone to break the monotony. With her strong American accent present in our conversations, our group was always made to realise our heritage and homeland. With the latter, we are kind of unsure where that is anymore. With such strong South East Asian influence on this trip, it was easy and interesting to see how quickly and fearlessly Chinese migrate. Wherever there were doughs to be made our ancestors were willing to expand their horizons. We are all living proof of this mentality. Like it or not, we are here to stay, to live and to conquer.

|